


Forever Fifteen

by orelseatlastsheunderstoodit



Series: Reflections and Deflections [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 13:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15797064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orelseatlastsheunderstoodit/pseuds/orelseatlastsheunderstoodit
Summary: A Jedi Padawan, separated from his master during the invasion of the Temple, tries to escape and ends up reflecting on heroes and lost dreams.





	Forever Fifteen

**Author's Note:**

> In 2005, in the wake of Episode III, and the idea that there would be no more new Star Wars, I wrote a lot of fic, posted under the name of Laine_Snowtrekker over on TFN. This is one of those stories; this one has been lightly edited in order to include make references to canon material canon compliant (aka, the existence of Ahsoka!)

_"You must run, Padawan. Try to escape from the Temple!"_

_"But, Master, I..."_

_"Do as I say, Padawan."_

_"I want to stay with you!"_

_The master gripped the padawan by the shoulders. "I know, Li, but that's not an option right now. If we both stay, we both die. We have neither time nor luxury for our foolish wants. The Sith--he will be merciless--and I want you to live, Padawan. Do you understand, Li? I want you to live! Now, go!"_

_Master shoved Li into an abandoned corridor, closed the door, and locked it._

_And he'd been alone ever since._

His legs pumped hard as he ran, and he turned a corner only to spot more clones. Li ducked down a side corridor and he could hear the sound of the clones' boots pounding against the Temple's tiled floors. _I wish this was a dream--or even a nightmare,_ he thought. _Those pass. Those end._

The next corridor was also filled with troopers--but he couldn't go back. So Li raised his lightsaber and ignited it in time to deflect many of the blaster bolts sent flying his way. He looked for an escape as quickly as possible--but as he darted down an empty corridor, a shot clipped him, sending him tumbling.

He rolled into a shadowed corner and pulled himself into a little alcove that was right off of the passageway. He could hear the clones shuffling back and front at the entrance to the corridor he'd darted down. He could hear them at the other end of the hall, too.

Someone's comm crackled, and a clone's voice dispassionately answered, "We have a boy in here, milord. But the hall is dark, and we cannot proceed unless we know it is safe for us to enter. We need your help, milord."

Static. Then a clear harsh voice: "Thirty minutes, Commander. I'm busy here. Keep an eye on that corridor. Don't let him escape."

"Yes, milord."

 _Thirty minutes._ That's all he had left. Li shivered and pulled his robe tighter, then glanced at where he'd been hit.

His leg was burnt badly. Probably good enough to warrant a bacta dunk. The fifteen-year-old grimaced and tried to wrap the Force around himself, but the Force was in agony tonight. It felt as if it had been ripped to shreds by the invader, by the Sith. So he built high and tight shields around himself, trying to hide from the evil seeping throughout the Temple.

No way to escape, with his leg hurt and troopers at both ends of the hallway. Probably troopers at each Temple entrance, too. The Temple was now a death-trap. It was entirely hopeless. _Master wanted me to live,_ he thought. _Now, that's doubtful. Thirty minutes. Probably twenty-eight now. I wonder how Master is, if he made it._

And with that thought, he knew, without knowing, that his Master was dead, slain by the Sith. He shivered again, then closed his eyes and settled against the wall to wait until the Sith came--for that was probably who the troopers had called.

> _The group of twelve-year-olds watched the sparring session in awe. It was an exhibition, set up by their instructor, but it was incredible. Li twitched with excitement in the anticipation of the day when_ _he_ _would be able to fight like that._
> 
> _Today they were using staves, but it was still an almost unbelievable sight. Li watched as Master Kenobi maneuvered himself onto a higher part of the salle than where his apprentice stood. Holding his staff out in front of him, he said, "Don't try it, Padawan. I have the high ground."_
> 
> _His apprentice shook his head, braid swinging wildly. "Not this time, Master," he said, and launched himself into the air._
> 
> _Kenobi, with the slightest shake of his head, promptly knocked the young man out of the air. His apprentice landed with an oomph, and lay on his back, sprawled out. Kenobi held out a hand to his apprentice, who brushed it aside and stood to his feet, tucking his braid behind one ear. He looked embarrassed, but then glanced at the group of crechelings and grinned, locking eyes with Li. Li shyly smiled back._
> 
> _Li had trotted back to the creche that day, happy and full of ideas about being chosen as someone's apprentice. If only a certain Knight's Apprentice would be Knighted himself, he'd thought. Maybe then he'd choose_ _me_ _as his Padawan._

All he could hear was barrages of blasterfire, the clones' boots scraping against the tiles, and intermittent blasts of static. It was if they would never grow tired of guarding the doorways. How had his Master died? Had he fought the Sith? Had a clonetrooper taken him down? Li fought hard to keep those disconcerting thoughts tucked away. Wasn't he a Jedi? Couldn't he focus on the moment? But the moment was too harsh and too painful for him to focus on, so he found himself screwing his eyes shut and thinking again, back to his creche days.

> _I'll never be a Knight, Li thought unhappily. He'd watched as one by one his friends were chosen and left the creche, fingering short new braids. He'd overheard the creche Masters whispering about the fact that his thirteenth Naming Day was approaching. He'd heard them talking about the fact that perhaps he was too much of a loner to be a Padawan, too serious to be someone's Apprentice._
> 
> _He didn't agree with them--so what if he preferred solitude? So what if he was serious? Weren't Jedi_ _supposed_ _to have serious minds? Master Yoda always spoke of it as one of the most important things--that it was good that he was serious, good that he was thoughtful, good that he was committed. There was a war, wasn't there? Wasn't there a need for serious people, serious heroes, in the war? Wasn't that why Master Kenobi and his apprentice were always away from the Temple?_
> 
> _One day the news had reached the creche that Kenobi's apprentice had been Knighted. This had excited Li, who, at almost thirteen, still cherished thoughts of becoming a particular hero's apprentice. Or that hero's Master's apprentice._
> 
> _But Knight Skywalker was always at the front, and so Li figured that would make it difficult for the young Knight. Plus, maybe he was too young to choose an apprentice. And then he’d ended up taken another Apprentice. So Li resigned himself to never being chosen. To never becoming a Jedi Knight. To never belonging._
> 
> _Other crechlings and new Padawans always hurried from class to class clumped together in small groups. Li always hurried alone, eyes on the tiles and mind elsewhere. As a young child, he had become known for contemplating odd things and asking strange questions about the Force; however, it wasn't because he was trying to be difficult. It was because he really wanted to know. They said his questions were strange because he "was too young to wonder about such things". So he'd become quiet and as unobtrusive as possible. It hadn't always worked though; sometimes he'd slip up and actually say something_ _intelligent_ _in one of his classes, and everyone would look at him funny and whisper when he was out of earshot. A lot of the time the Master in the class would reprimand the others for being mean, but that didn't stop them outside of class. So he dawdled as much as was possible for a Jedi, then hurried to class._
> 
> _One day, he had timed it all wrong and was now late for class. He was hurrying along a corridor, turned a corner, and ran into someone, knocking them down and spilling his bag all over the hallway._
> 
> _The someone started chuckling and helped Li to his feet. "Late to class, right?" a kind voice asked._
> 
> _Li looked up to meet twinkling ice-blue eyes. "Yes, sir," he said as his ears began to turn red._
> 
> _The master had a strange look on his face, as if he was listening to something that he didn't quite understand. "I'm Master Gerik Nimai, " he said._
> 
> _"Sorry for running into you, Master Nimai. I wasn't watching where I was headed," Li said. Surely he’d get another scolding, for being tardy._
> 
> _"That's quite all right," Master Nimai said. "I should have known you were right around the corner, with your mind in the clouds."_
> 
> _Li blushed some more. For some reason he didn't want to disappoint this man. "I am always being told I need to in the present more, sir. I'm working on it."_
> 
> _"Oh, that's not what I meant," the tall master said. "What is your name, Initiate?"_
> 
> _"Li Acalan," the boy said._
> 
> _"How old are you?"_
> 
> _“Tomorrow’s my thirteenth Naming Day," Li said, with a tinge of disappointment in his voice, lowering his head to look at the tiles again._
> 
> _"I was on my way to the creche," the Master said. "Would you like to join me?"_
> 
> _"But I'm late to class," the embarrassed boy said, stooping to pick up his scattered books._
> 
> _Master Nimai put a hand on his shoulder and brought him to his feet. They looked at one another._
> 
> _"I think that lesson can wait for today," he said quietly._

It had been a perfect match--Master Gerik had asked Li to be his apprentice the next day, and had said later that he had known as soon as he had hit the floor. Then again, when he was displeased he had said it was due to the concussion he must have received upon hitting the floor. All thoughts of being trained by either the Negotiator or the Hero with No Fear had fled Li's mind, though Knight Skywalker was still one of Li's heroes. He had settled into a regular routine with Master Gerik, learning that his new Master was a lot like himself--quiet, intelligent, quick of tongue and wit, a lover of knowledge and a lover of the Force.

The last two years had sped by, and Li had enjoyed his training. He'd kept close tabs on his hero, tracking him and his former master as they traversed the Mid-Rim and the Outer-Rim, fighting the Seperatists. One day he heard that they were on a brief stayover to rest and recover and report--it was the first time that either of those two had seen the Temple in months.

> _He was almost to the dining hall, late after wiping the floors with one of his former crechemates in practice. He was walking very fast, and promptly knocked someone and himself over in what Master Gerik called 'true Acalan fashion'._
> 
> _Li took the hand that was proffered to him, and to his horror and amazement, saw that the hand belonged to Knight Skywalker. "Knight Skywalker," he said. "I'm sorry for running into you. Master says it's because I'm so centered in the Unifying Force that I sometimes lose track of the present."_
> 
> _Knight Skywalker was grinning. "No hard feelings," he said kindly. He tweaked the teen's braid. "Wasn't too long ago that_ _I_ _had one of those. What's your name?"_
> 
> _"Li," Li said. "Li Acalan."_
> 
> _"Who is your Master?"_
> 
> _"Master Gerik Nimai," Li responded._
> 
> _“He’s a friend of Obi-Wan’s,” Skywalker said. “Do you like being his apprentice?"_
> 
> _"Oh, yes. Yes, sir," Li said. "Though I..."_
> 
> _"What?"_
> 
> _"Oh, nothing," the just-fifteen-year-old said._
> 
> _"Your master's a good sabreman," Knight Skywalker said. "One of the best, I'd say. I saw your practice this afternoon."_
> 
> _"You did?"_
> 
> _Skywalker nodded. "I did. And I was wondering if you'd like me to show you some things. Or just spar."_
> 
> _"I could never beat_ _you_ _," Li said softly._
> 
> _Skywalker laughed. "Thanks for the compliment, but I think it would be unfair for me to beat you. I just want to help on your technique. That is, if your master agrees to it."_
> 
> _"Agrees to what?"_
> 
> _Skywalker turned back towards the dining hall and saw Li's Master. "Oh, Master Nimai," he said. "Padawan Acalan and I just bumped into each other--"_
> 
> _"Probably literally," Nimai said wryly, and watched the tips of Li's ears turn red._
> 
> _"And I was wondering if I could spar with him, show him some extras on technique."_
> 
> _Nimai nodded. "I had just asked Master Kenobi if I could speak with you on that very matter," he said._
> 
> _Skywalker's voice hardened. "I'm a_ _Knight_ _, now," he said._
> 
> _"It's not because I wanted to ask his_ _permission_ _," Nimai said. "I wanted to know if he thought that, after these last engagements, you would be open to the suggestion. You're one that's apt to keep going, whether he's exhausted or not."_
> 
> _"So the healers keep telling me," the young man said. "I want to spar with Padawan Acalan, sir."_
> 
> _"You are a master of Form Five, is that right?" Nimai asked._
> 
> _Skywalker nodded._
> 
> _"Yet you must be familiar with Forms Three and Four as well, right?"_
> 
> _"Yes," he replied. " Master Obi-Wan is the best at Form Three, but he knows plenty of Form Four and taught me."_
> 
> _"Is tomorrow night good for you?"_
> 
> _Skywalker hesitated, then nodded again. "Sure," he said easily._
> 
> _"Training salle one-one-three-eight," Master Nimai said._
> 
> _"One-one-three-eight," Skywalker said._
> 
> _The three bowed to each other and went their separate ways._

His leg had started to go numb, Li realized. _It must be worse than I thought._ He kept a loose grip on his lightsaber and kept it near him--whether it would do him any good he didn't know. He didn't even know if he could stand or not. By now Li was recognizing some signs of shock, and he shivered in the dark and cold.

The clones kept up periodic comm calls to the Sith, reminding him of their location and how much time had elasped. The last time, the Sith had responded with a clipped answer that basically meant that if the clones didn't stop calling, he'd kill them too. He was _busy_.

One clone stepped tentatively into the darkness and called out, "You've got ten minutes left, _Jedi_.”

Li realized that the whole Temple had fallen silent, save for the scraping of clone boots, the whirring of blasterpaks, and the occasional burst of blasterfire. No melodious hums of lightsabers, no shouts to comrades, no weeping for the fallen. Even the Force had grown quiet--but it was still tense, hurt, betrayed.

> _He remembered being excited, almost ecstatic about the fact that he was going to train--even for only one session--with Knight Skywalker. He was going to get to spar with one of the best sabremen in the whole Order._
> 
> _Master Gerik had sent him along alone, saying that today, some other Knight could deal with his Padawanly antics. To Li, that just meant that his master wanted a long shower, a hot cup of java, and the Coruscant Times without Padawanly interference._
> 
> _He arrived early, and discovered Knight Skywalker and Master Kenobi sparring with each other._
> 
> _"Got you this time, old man," Skywalker said between blows._
> 
> _"Oh, I don't think so," Kenobi said. "Since I'm not old!"_
> 
> _"Not yet, anyway," Skywalker shot back._
> 
> _Both men were grinning as they matched each other move for move, practicing more to keep their skills up than to teach each other a thing. Li looked forward to the day where_ _he_ _could match his master like that._
> 
> _When the two men were finished, they shut off their 'sabres and looked at Li._
> 
> _"Ah, Apprentice Acalan," Kenobi said. He nodded towards a bench that sat near the wall. "Get ready and warm up."_
> 
> _Li happily obeyed. He set his bag down on the bench, pulled off his robe, put a foot on the bench, and bent over to tighten the boot. Knight Skywalker dropped on the bench, next to his boot._
> 
> _"So, Li," he said. "Ready for one of the hardest times in your life?"_
> 
> _Li looked up to see a grin and bright blue eyes. "I think so, Knight Sky--"_
> 
> _"Call me Anakin," he said with the nonchalant wave of a hand._
> 
> _"Anakin," called Master Kenobi._
> 
> _Skywalker glanced towards his former master. "I get to call the shots today, old man," he said teasingly. "I'm in charge today." He looked back at Li. "You ready?"_
> 
> _Li finished tightening his other boot, then nodded. "Yes, sir, Knight Sky--I mean, Anakin."_
> 
> _Anakin smiled._

That had been a training session to remember, Li thought, smiling despite the pain in his leg. But all he remembered about the session was the flash and hum of the blades, the sweat, the Force singing around them, the excitement pounding through him all because he got to spar with _his_ hero.

Anakin had seemed distracted, somehow, even by Jedi standards. Li didn't say anything--it wasn't his place to point out a fault to a Knight. But Li had become more worried for his hero after the conversation after the session.

> _Li dropped tiredly to the bench after his cool-down and started to gather things into his bag. Anakin took a seat next to him._
> 
> _"You're a smart kid," he said._
> 
> _"Not that smart," Li replied, as was his usual standard._
> 
> _"Let me guess, they teased you in classes too. I guess I was lucky, to already have a Master," Anakin said. "I at least had some place to run to."_
> 
> _Li nodded. "Master Kenobi is a good Jedi," he said._
> 
> _"Yeah, kid," Anakin said. "He's the best. He's like my father."_
> 
> _"Master Gerik's like mine," Li replied. "I know that it's not really like that, but--"_
> 
> _"Oh, I just think the masters have figured out how to hide it," Anakin replied. "Because my master was torn up about his master's death--I know that he loved him. But he's never told me that he loved me."_
> 
> _"Well, there's more than one way to say 'I love you', I think,' said Li. "You don't always have to use words."_
> 
> _"That's true, I suppose," Anakin said. "How old are you?"_
> 
> _"Fifteen standard," Li replied. "I'll be sixteen standard in six months and one day."_
> 
> _"You'll make a great Knight," Anakin said. "But don't try to grow up too fast, all right? Life is...well, it's complicated."_
> 
> _"You're going back out again, aren't you?"_
> 
> _He nodded. "Tomorrow morning Master and I head back out to the Outer Rim. You know, I don't like war. I don't like hurting people. I wish it would end."_
> 
> _"I don't like hurting people either," Li said, thinking back to missions where he'd had to deflect blaster bolts at someone. He was sure that Anakin had seen worse. "But sometimes it's necessary, right?"_
> 
> _"I guess that, yes, sometimes it's necessary, for the greater things of life. Sometimes sacrifices are necessary." His eyes took on a far-off look. "But there are some things that are never necessary for one to sacrifice."_
> 
> _"Like what?"_
> 
> _"One's family," Anakin said, his eyes still looking past the walls. "Or one's friends."_
> 
> _"Aren't those attachments?" Li asked._
> 
> _"You love your master," Anakin replied. "Are you attached to him?"_
> 
> _"Never thought about it that way," Li said. "Knight Skywalker, I--"_
> 
> _"I don't want you to think that I'm leading you astray," Anakin said. "Is that what you were going to say?"_
> 
> _Li sighed. Both times now, he still hadn't been able to tell Anakin that he was Li's hero. "Something along those lines," he said._
> 
> _"Don't tell anyone this, Li, but I hate the name that the press has given me."_
> 
> _"The Hero with No Fear?"_
> 
> _Anakin nodded. "Yes. That's not me."_
> 
> _"Yes, it is," Li said. "You're the greatest of all of us."_
> 
> _"And the weakest," Anakin said softly. He stood. "It was nice teaching you. I hope to do it again sometime. Maybe if this blasted war ever ends. Run along to your quarters."_
> 
> _"Yes, sir," Li said, grabbing his bag, wrapping his robe around himself, and dashing out._

Li stiffly pulled himself to his feet as he heard the clones pull back and let someone pass them--someone wearing boots that were softer than those of a clone's.

The ignited lightsaber in the Sith's hands was blue, Li noticed as he felt a icy Force presence probing his shields. "Impressive, most impressive," the man said. "You're a Padawan."

"You're a _traitor_ ," Li said. "But are you the apprentice or the master?"

The Sith pulled his blade up into an attack position--its light cast a blue pall over the hooded man. "I'm the apprentice," he said. "And _you're_ the traitor." 

The position looked familiar, like one he'd been shown not too long before. "Anakin?" Li asked, wanting to take a step backwards, but unable to.

"My name is Vader," the man said. "Come forward into the light, so I can see you."

 _I'll never be a Knight,_ Li realized. _I'll never turn sixteen either. I'll never grow up. I'll never be able to spar like that. I'll never be able to match my master in anything._

"Rejoice then, Darth Vader," Li said, a new edge coming into his voice. "I'll never have a chance to grow up too fast. It is what you wanted, right? So be happy that you hurt me now. It'll save me the hurt that I'd receive by being a part of this blasted war."

The newly dark man visibly flinched as his own words were thrown back at him. Then he sneered. "Skywalker was a fool, sentimental and weak. He's nothing."

Li laughed, suddenly bold in the face of this horrible surprise, at his own soon-coming death. "And to think that you were my _hero_ , Anakin! To think that I wanted _you_ to be my master! I'm glad that the Force saw it good to give me to Master Gerik."

"I'm no hero," the man replied. "I was never powerful enough to be a hero. But now I have the power to do some good in this universe."

"Anakin," Li said, watching the man flinch again, "it seems to me that _good_ is never accomplished by evil deeds. Sure, good might come out of it, but good is never the intent."

The Sith's blade wavered. "Defend yourself, Jedi," he said.

"No."

"No?"

Li tossed his lightsaber to the side. It rolled down the hallway, into the shadows. "I said no," he said. "I would never be able to match the Villain with Fear in a fight. Plus, I'm injured and you're not. Plus, it's just not worth it, to gain one more minute of life when my Master is waiting for me."

"Then prepare to die," Vader said.

"Though, I do have a question to ask, if you'll answer it for me."

"You're trying my patience, Jedi," Vader said as he moved closer.

Li closed his eyes, swallowed a lump in his throat, and re-opened his eyes. _Mustn't cry. I'm a Jedi._ "Why?"

"Why?"

"Yes, why betray us? Why murder us? Why choose hate? Why choose war? I thought you hated war. Why choose evil? I thought you hated evil. What would your master say?"

"My master approves."

"I meant Master Kenobi."

"I didn't."

"The answer?" Li asked, hoping that Vader would satisfy that, if nothing else.

They locked eyes. Li's green eyes were full of grief and pain, and Vader's blue ones were like the mirror of them.

"Because sometimes a sacrifice is necessary to save the ones you love," Vader whispered fiercely, and swung with all his might.

The last things that Li was conscious of was a white-hot pain that begun at his left shoulder and moved inward and the constant thoughts that ran through his mind-- _I'll be one with the Force, but I'll never get to be a Knight. Someday, Anakin, someday you'll choose love again. But I'll never get to be a Knight. I'll never get to be sixteen even. No, I'll be forever fifteen._


End file.
